While the in-crowd of the blogosphere are salivating over this year's Weblog Awards, we at SBD have to settle for this:

But hey, who wants to be caught up in another circle-jerk awards show right? Not us! It's okay though, we of the avant garde are used to being overlooked in our time.

Posted by: shank at 09:29 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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I saw this bumper sticker yesterday that said REAL MEN LOVE JESUS. It struck me as odd, because I can't think of anything more arbitrary or removed from manhood than something like 'loving Jesus'. I mean, by this logic anyone who loved Jesus would be a real man; which would make being a real man pretty inexclusive and, frankly, too easy. If you don't love Jesus you're not a real man? It also struck me as funny, because of the obvious underlying insecurity. "Don't make fun of me for loving Jesus, because it makes me a real man. See, I can be a man and love Jesus too." Well, if you have to inform everyone that loving Jesus does, in fact, make you a real man; does it really make you a real man, or are we just shoring up our percieved shortcomings as a man? It's tantamount to saying REAL MEN LOVE GOING TO THE STORE FOR THIER SPOUSE'S TAMPONS. It's an absurd attempt to turn something that's got nothing to do with masculinity into an identifying trait of masculinity.

A more appropriate bumper sticker might say REAL MEN LOVE GRILLING, or maybe REAL MEN LOVE SWINGING A SLEDGEHAMMER. These are much better, because I don't think any man, Christian or not (gay or straight, black or white, dress left or right, etc), would pass up the opportunity to stand around the grill with his chums, or lay waste with his favorite blunt implement. Of course, they also go without saying; which only reinforces the irrationality of the Jesus bumper sticker itself.

There's always the argument that the two suggestions above also have nothing to do with masculinity. So let's boil it down to a physical characteristic: REAL MEN HAVE PENISES; scientifically proveable, no? This is where it gets funny, because the language is real men. REAL men? As opposed to fake men, I'm assuming. The funny part is the adjective 'real' actually throws a heavy fog of uncertainty over what exactly we're identifying as 'men' here. Which is pretty confusing considering that's exactly what we're trying to do: identify men. Try it without the word 'real': MEN HAVE PENISES. A statement of fact, no doubt. But when you add 'real' to the front of the statement, it takes on a tone of exclusivity that would throw out those people who might feel like men but don't have penises. Ahem...Carrot Top.

Basically, there are two conclusions that can be drawn here:
1. Being a REAL MAN has nothing to do with masculinity
and/or
2. There is not a single characteristic that defines REAL MEN.

Either way, this person is riding around with a bumper sticker that is completely unintelligible.

Posted by: shank at 02:29 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Jessie's obituary.

Posted by: Jim at 10:35 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Jessie has friends all over the world through various groups and causes. Scott, of the Santa Monica Van Boys, made this unbelievably beautiful tribute to her.

I cried so hard when I watched it last night that I woke up Jason, our middle boy. We watched it together and cried our eyes out. He had not cried since we first told him what happened. Thank you so much Scott for helping a little boy and his dad take a big step together.

Posted by: Jim at 11:53 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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I haven't had the time to reply to all of the emails and comments yet but rest assured I am reading every one of them and every one of them is making this a little bit easier.

If anybody is in the Atlanta area I would be blessed and honored if you attended Jessie's service and our gathering afterwards.

If anybody would like to get to the Atlanta area for the services and gathering but needs help please let me know by email or commenting here. I work for a global travel company and they are being enormously helpful.

UPDATE: This works much better if I actually provide a link to the service post on her blog.

Posted by: Jim at 08:57 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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Anja "Jessie" Peacock
April 25, 1971 - October 20, 2007

Posted by: Jim at 07:17 AM | Comments (20) | Add Comment
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To the Once a Week Blog! The only blog in the sphere where we bring you content once a week! Maybe!

Deal on the house fell through; but it's no skin off my nose. There are hundreds of homes in my area, and I'm in no hurry to run out and grab one.

I don't know if you guys have been following Jim Watson, of Watson and Crick fame (you know, the double helix twins); but he's apparently been saying some off the wall shit. Which, personally, I can't really be incited to do much ranting when a dude who looks like this starts talkin' crazy. He's a three dimensional Grandpa Simpson, okay people? Most of the time, this guy probably thinks he's living in Candyland or something; so if he starts saying weird stuff, just humor him. I mean, when we're all that old, our motor's probably going to knock a little bit too. He probably just needs a nap or his oxegen tank or something.

Secondly, oil is now $90 a barrel, and it's got me thinking. We have oil heat in the house we're renting, right? And we buy oil by the couple hundred gallons or so, which means there's oil left over from last winter in the tank buried in my yard. I have calculated, over the period, that my investment in heating oil last January has outperformed my entire stock portfolio. The really amazing thing is that between January and March I was obviously drawing from my oil tank, while at the same time contributing money to my employer-matched fund; and the oil tank still outperformed my return. Which is exactly why I've decided to cash out both of our retirement funds, and use the money to hoard oil. It means we won't be able to use it to heat the house this winter, but I have an alternative fuel: The Souls of The Innocent. They burn hotter, longer, and cleaner!

Posted by: shank at 07:52 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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It's Friday, oh yeah. In case you forgot, biotch.

So the old man has taken up several hobbies lately, especially for a guy who never really had any. We've been hitting pool halls for the past few months, and last weekend he joined a nine ball league. And just last night he's all "So I got my guitar yesterday."
"Guitar?"
"Yeah, acoustic. Vintage."
This is a dude that I've never even seen in proximity to any kind of musical instrument, let alone actually playing one. I always assumed he wasn't the type. Apparently he had an entire youth I didn't know about where he played guitar. Nobody tells me shit.

Tomorrow night we're going to see Dave Mason. Yeah, that Dave Mason. Should be nice. He said if I paid for my ticket he'd by the brews. Fool!

The Wife and I are putting in an offer on our first home this evening. I love negotiating, and my goal is to rob these people buckass nekkid. I plan on capping the event off by sitting next to the fire (nice weather for that right now) with a few cold ones and some friends. And The Wife's got to work tonight, which means I get to piss in the backyard. Well, without having to listen to her yell at me anyway. Do you have any idea how hard it is to piss when someone's yelling at you? Unsettling.

Speaking of which, Jenelle's balling a geezer, and Al Gore won a Nobel. Hurk.

Posted by: shank at 12:08 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Since I've got absolutely nothing and haven't had anything for about three months, here's something from PJ O'Rourke that's like 30 years old from National Lampoon whereby PJ rips into foreigners. It's titled Foreigners Around the World - A Brief Survey of the Various Foreigners, Their Chief Characteristics, Customs, and Manners.

Here's a taste but read the whole thing. It's brutally funny. I don't know how he got away with this except it was National Lampoon and it was the 70's.

GERMANS
Racial Characteristics:
Piggish-looking, sadomasochistic automatons whose only known forms of relaxation are swilling watery beer from vast tubs and singing the idiotically repetitive verses of their porcine folk tune-both of which amusements probably hark back to a prehuman state. Germans have never been successfully Christianized. Their language lacks any semblance of civilized speech. Their usual diet consists almost wholly of old cabbage and sections of animal intestines filled with blood and gore. Once every two or three decades, they set forth, lemming-like, on pointless military adventures during which great numbers of them are slaughtered-much to the improvement Of the world in general. Their lardy women have long, tangled masses of sticky hair under their arms, and the men shave the sides of their heads.

Good Points:
Kill a lot of French.

Proper Form of Address:
Kraut, Hun, Heiny, spike-head, sausage-breath.

Enjoy!

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 09:48 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Have you ever read a story and had no real idea of what was going on? I have.

WTF was that Twenty?

Posted by: shank at 08:29 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Someone said this word the other day, and it made me want to twist their head off and mount it on a spike as a warning to all other would-be morons.

Beautimous. Even typing it makes me cringe. It's ugly sounding. No matter how you pronounce it (byoot-eh-mus, byoot-eh-miss, etc), it's horrible. Not to mention the fact that it's not even a real word; but that's just an aside because there are some good words out there that might not qualify as real.

There are several other words that could be used in its place, and they're all much better. So one could logically surmise that anyone who chooses it over the others is one of two things, or both: 1) a moron, or 2) obviously being an ass if for no other purpose than they enjoy being an ass.

Both offenses deserve public ridicule, at the least. In fact, if memory serves, there are some counties in Alabama where failure to impose physical punishment for something like this would be a seperate crime in itself.

Posted by: shank at 07:41 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Until we get around to posting something worthwhile, which, to be honest, isn't slated to happen until sometime in early '08; I offer up a blog for your review. A close associate of mine has traded in her cushy job, her Arlington high-rise apartment, and all the associated conveniences of young professional big-city livin' for a ten year old Volvo station wagon and a year on the open road.

She sums it all up pretty well:
"Graduated from college. Worked for a year in DC. Have decided to chuck it all (except health care) for a road trip. Cue the Sound of Music opening montage."

So go, read, leave comments, LIVE VICARIOUSLY!

Posted by: shank at 12:37 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Not a whole lot going on, apparently.

Went to the Carolina football game on Saturday. At least the weather was nice.

Sunday I drove around in the 'Sploder looking for new places to go mudding. Yes, I am all that is man. Well, if all that is man amounts to doing donuts in muddy dump sites until the windows are so covered in dirt that you can't see out of them. Good times. I found this really awesome area that's a material site for one of the local developers. It's easily several acres of open marsh, with no trees or anything - just mud. My shrink says it's important to make time for my inner child. And just who, exactly is my shrink? Why, the advertising geniuses at Miller Brewing, to whose ads I'm exposed for easily an hour a week, considering the football that goes on around my house.

I'm sure you all caught the recent OJ arrest. Lately, it seems that celebrities are acting more and more like crackheads. I mean, we've got Britney who's really gone pretty far down the path to trailer trash. I've got to admit that the only thing that seperates her from anyone who lives in a double-wide is her bankroll. And if things keep heading this way for her, she won't even have that. And Madonna recently called herself an ambassador for Judaism; which is just so far out there I can hardly process the information without disentegrating into bouts of laughter. That's like Whitney Houston claiming to be a poster child for A Drug Free America.

The Wife and I are getting further and further into this home-buying thing. We've talked to builders, checked out a few existing homes on the market, and spoken with a few lenders. The money thing is virtually a non-issue. Our credit is in the stratosphere, so really all I'm going to do is shop interest rates. We know what we can afford, what we want to spend, and what we want in a house; and there's plenty of overlap there. I'm most interested in negotiating upgrades and incentives out of the builders, and playing builders and sellers off of eachother. I truly enjoy negotiation tactics; and a market like this only helps me. The best part is when parties start to tire, they just want to make the sale; that's when you hit 'em. I mean, you can't abuse them or anything; but you can lean on 'em and that's when they really loosen up.

Posted by: shank at 01:43 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Real estate agents: Client advocates to be trusted with securing a good deal for you, or money-grubbing bumblefucks who should be kept on a short leash and fed info on a need-to-know basis?

I have no idea, that's why I'm asking you; the educated commentariat.

Posted by: shank at 12:51 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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IÂ’ve watched this about a hundred times.

And the sequel.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 09:49 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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IÂ’m vindicated at last. IÂ’ve written many posts about people microwaving popcorn at work. The stench of burning popcorn permeates the whole floorÂ…in some instances several floors, like mustard gas. I never thought it was dangerous but it infuriated me to the point of wanting to physically beat someone down. Well, that foul stench has been declared lethal.

“… doctors there believe they have the first case of a consumer who developed lung disease from the fumes of microwaving popcorn several times a day for years.”

Any stench that foul is bound to be lethal.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 09:46 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Michigan who?

Posted by: shank at 04:25 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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This and this.

Hey, I can't blame them. When they start sending their drones after you, you know you're screwed. Robots never sleep.

Posted by: shank at 11:14 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Kid Nation
I'm sure you heard about this TV show - they sent a bunch of kids out into the middle of nowhere to start their own town, see if they could organize government, divide labor, etc. Anyways, a couple of the kids ended up getting burned or something while they were cooking, and now the army of nanny-state pansies is poised for attack. They want to sue based on the grounds of child neglect or unfair working conditions or something. Look, you pussies, when I was a kid we called that kind of thing 'summer camp', and we sure as shit didn't get paid for it. I don't know what the legal ramifications of this will be, but you can bet your ass the higher ups at the Boy Scouts of America are pissing in their olive drab nut-huggers right about now.

Senator Craig
This is absolutely hilarious (except for the profiling part, which just kind of 'has its moments'). Who knew that all you had to do to get some bathroom tail was tap your foot and wave your hand? And here I am all these years just barging in and bellowing "Anyone interested in a little how's your father!?" It's kind of irritating though, when you think about it. I mean, here we all are showing up two hours early for our flights, being herded through the security check; and this guy's seemingly found a way to get the full body cavity search and everything without having to wait in line at all. I guess it's just one of the perks of being a senator.

As an aside, it makes me wonder why it is that people do this stuff in bathrooms. I mean, most of us cozy up next to someone at a bar or a party or something, and then have sex in the bathroom. It just seems a whole lot easier to proposition someone if you're not surrounded by the sights and sounds of pooing strangers. But I don't know, maybe your average cottager has strong enough game that he or she can close the deal with that kind of a soundtrack playing in the background.

Thoughts? Comments? Advice?

Posted by: shank at 08:51 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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During last night's episode of Last Comic Standing, John Reep touched on something that resounds with a lot of people - take the stupid Bluetooth earbud off your head if you're not actually on the phone. His comment was "You look like a tool." I think it's a behavior that deserves, due to its prevalence, a bit more attnetion.

I've never understood it myself, why people do this. It makes about as much sense as taking your steering wheel with you after you park your car. I wondered if maybe it was a status thing, like, "Check me out, I've got a Bluetooth thingie." That theory doesn't hold up though, when you consider the cost of an earbud. What're they, like 50 bucks?

You know what I think it is? I think most people are just plain old morons, and for some reason it makes them feel neato to wear the earbud. Maybe it makes them feel futuristic, like a character in a sci-fi novel; which is about as sad as people who dress up for the Renaissance Fair. Or maybe it makes them feel important, like "People are constantly ringin' my bling, yo. I gots to keep my Bluetoof on G"; which is sadder still, because they're not actually talking on it.

The fact of the matter is, the only time you need to use the stupid thing is if you're on the phone while already doing something with both hands, like making dinner, driving, or beating someone about the head and neck with a Big Bertha Titanium 454. Unfortunately, people use the earbud for no apparent reason all the damn time. They're not even all that convenient when you do have to use them (the volume is lower, they drain your battery, etc), so why the hell would you sit there and use it if your stupid phone is right there in your pocket?

The main takeaway here is that wearing an idle Bluetooth has become a universal signifier; it's the modern equivalent of a dunce cap.

Posted by: shank at 11:44 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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